Who won the British elections?

Part 1- Davey and Nick

I am not going to talk here about percentages. I know the official results.
The problem with the official results is that, at the end of the day, nobody won by numbers. A badly designed electoral system allowed the party who spent a ton of Murdoch’s cash to claim a very painful non victory- if after 3 years of recession and having an unlimited spending budget to throw shit at your betters you still barely manage to squeeze out a measly 36%… no offence but you need to get the hell out of politics and go raise Chihuahuas for guarding duties.

Which incidentally seems to be the near future of David Cameron. This squeaky clean, bred to lead millionaire who was apparently the best thing the Tories could put out to repair their image of nasty xenophobic and prejudiced assholes has managed the incredible performance of bringing upon himself the ire of not only Labour- who could be accused of being bitter losers but also that of a great number of his own MPs.

In and by itself, this is an amazing performance. In an ideal world, Davey boy expected to sail into power in a wave of universal approval from the proles who would wet their pants at the idea of a millionaire as PM in times of recession. Maybe in his mind, that’s how he sees it. I mean, we all know the aristocracy has a tendency to be inbred, and it’s enough to see Davey and Nick Clegg together to realize they come from the same bad blood and faulty genes. The weak facial structure, the doughy skin, the softness! Whatever these two project it sure as hell isn’t character, strength or even intelligence.

2 days after cobbling together one of the most bizarre chimaeras known to mankind, Davey has managed to squander whatever good will the general populous normally has towards a new government, especially in such shitty times as the current ones.

Davey has managed to show in this short time that he knows nothing about making a Government- his choices suggesting that he had not given even a remote thought to what to do if he wins, that he understands nothing about the British democracy, and that he is, right about now, shitting his pants in fear of being turned out of No 10 with a firm foot up his aristocratic bottom.

Aside from the very stupid, there is no half-sentient creature in Great Britain that could consider the ConDem government anything but a sad joke paid to us stupid schmucks aka the UK people. The appointment of Theresa May as Minister of Equalities could only be equalled in ridiculousness by having Martin Luther King’s daughter marry a KKK member. The whole world is laughing at us, and not in the normal good natured way, but in one that says “ Wow, the Brits sure managed to overthrow the Americans from the top position as the dumbest nation on Earth”.

And that’s just the most innocent of Davey’s mistakes, I can see him running around like a somewhat confused purebred (and thus slightly stupid) Corgi “ A woman, we need a woman on the Cabinet or else these people *snort* shall revolt!! Whatever shall we do? Do we even have any women in our beloved party?”
My money is on Davey appointing Theresa May because she was the only woman Tory whose name he could remember- aside from Holy Margaret whose picture probably hangs in his bedroom, above the conjugal bed where he just gave Nick Clegg a reason to smile again like a maniac. A clue to Davey boy- pot works just as well.

I am not going to even comment on the marvellous idea to not make Vince Cable- probably the only competent person in this whole mess posing as our Government – Chancellor. But then again we already know Davey ain’t that smart – his best intellectual feat to date being memorising the names of the Queen’s Corgis- which, like Davey, are purebred, aristocratic, utterly stupid, ugly and annoying and in dire need of a close encounter with a hungry Bullterrier.

Davey’s logic in not putting Vince Cable where he could be most useful seems to be that his dear chum George has more money therefore he’s better with them. Which is the same logic that would see an STD-ridden homeless man appointed Consultant Dermatologist at the Royal Infirmary – if he has so many he definitely knows how to do with them right?

However, even Davey is aware that his coalition is as stable as Prince Harry after hitting the whiskey and thus liable to do all sorts of crazy things like fall on its ass, wear a Nazi uniform or such other amusing yet highly embarrassing antics.

Therefore, in one of his rare moments of lucidity, he rang his valet, requested a clean pair of 5000£ a pair underwear woven from the eyelashes of orphaned maids in some third world country, and started to think:

“ How do I make sure Nick doesn’t try to double-cross me out of my rightfully earned position as Prime Minister?”

And this is how the 55% rule was born. The idea being that with the current configuration of the Parlament, it’s utterly impossible to achieve it.

Before those of you lacking the intellect to figure out you are already being sodomized by the ConDem golem start shouting “But the confidence vote stays at the same percentage” let me say one thing to you

“ Shut the fuck up you mindless twits”
Ok?
Let’s continue

The way the British Politics works, and has worked well for a long while, is that a non confidence vote brings down the government, which leads to the dissolution of Parlament. The destitute Prime Minister, tail wedged firmly between legs or some other poor schmuck appointed Prime Minister for the purpose will go to the Queen and tell her “ Your Majesty, we are a bunch of incompetent numbnuts whose existence is a blight on the face of existence. Please kindly dissolve the Parlament so your subjects have a chance to elect some slightly less dumb assholes to muck things up”.

You see, a vote of non confidence is NOT addressed to the Government only, but to whoever put them there, and is de facto a vote of non confidence addressed to the majority who formed the Government. As such, it is logical that a dissolution of the Parlament should follow such a vote.

The 55% thing, unfortunately coupled with the fixed Parlament measure requested by the LibDems (who are not stupid enough to not realize that they’re not going to see numbers in the double digits again at any election this decade or the next) means that even if the LibDems turn tails on their unlikely bedmates, Davey will remain in power. If the non confidence vote is not followed by a Parlament dissolution, there is nothing to prevent the Tories from making another unholy alliance- with the BNP or such and have the same Davey form the new government, which will probably be even worse than ConDem, since it is pretty logical the LibDem will take their braincells back when the shameful divorce occurs.

Now that might sound good to Davey because he’s not even in the same plane of existence with the concept of intelligence, but it rings a hell of a lot of alarm bells in the heads of his betters, some of who are amongst the peers and Mps of his own party.

It is very obvious Davey didn’t think this through- because if he had the capacity to perform such a task he would have realised that there are high chances his party will lose the next elections painfully, and then he will be stuck on the Oppo bench with a Labour Government he can’t get rid of.

Now there are people who would say “But if ConDem falls, Labour could make a new alliance with the LibDems and form a new government without the need for new elections”. The problem the people who think such nonsense have is that they are utterly stupid. The public outrage that followed the LibDem whoring out to the Tories has ensured that nobody with an IQ higher than their shoe size would want to associate with them ever again. Of course Nicky wants a fixed term Parlament- because he’s not dumb enough to not realize that maybe only his beloved Maggie and the German guy with the moustache looking like fly shit are slightly more hated than he is right about now.

As stated before, the Tory MPs and peers are actually smart enough to realize this idea should compete for the Most Idiotic Idea Award. When you have such venerable fossils like the Tory peers come out to tell you that you fucked up, its time to go back to the mansion and lock yourself in the booze cabinet for the next decade.

The Liberal Democrats, the other half of this bizarre contraption, find themselves in the position of a prostitute who gets beaten up and robbed after providing her services. Unfortunately, unlike that poor prostitute who probably has some reasons for what she is doing ( poverty, human traffic, mental illness etc) and who therefore deserves compassion, the LibDems find themselves in the position of realizing that they sold themselves for a couple of rotten beans who aren’t even magic.

I am not even going to comment on the fact that the party who claimed to believe in a fair electoral system sold out most of its voters for some minor seats in the Government, and that despite the fact that they know the results of the latest lections are as close to the will of the voters as the Queen to a honest day’s work, they are willing to accept the faulty system as long as it serves them. Now that might normally work in the world of Nick Clegg, however it doesn’t for the vast majority of LibDem voters who *gasp* are actually Liberal and bought Clegg’s malarkey about how he was never going to join forces with Dave Vader and how voting LibDem meant keeping the Tories out.

The above paragraph and the following refer to the good and decent LibDem voters who are actually Liberal and voted for Nicky because they actually thought he was honest. Now these people, as seen on these here interwebs, have already realised that they were screwed and decided to do something about it. I am going to be kind and not rub it in to them about the fact that once a tory always a tory or that they expected a former lobbyist to be liberal.
Everybody makes mistakes, and I believe the mistake of this great number of honest decent people was that they assumed Nicky boy was one of them, as in Liberal and honest.

These people, and some of them are LibDem MPs, have already realised they have been screwed, and I do believe in the black frozen space where I was supposed to have a heart that they will do the right thing.

However

The LibDems that are so hysterically happy that they’re no longer on the Oppo bench that they will go to great lengths to excuse and justify all of the ConDem’s shit because “ Oh my God we are finally in power” ?
Those people deserve to die in a large fire, and I bet there’s a long queue of people willing to lit it.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathryn Cann
    May 15, 2010 @ 08:51:52

    I spew my anger on the Internet in an attempt to prove my relevance

    (edited for shortness)

  2. Kathryn Cann
    May 15, 2010 @ 09:16:50

    I left 30 comments here today. It helps forget my empty life

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